Even though I mostly enjoy working out (or at least I enjoy fitting into my favorite jeans), I am constantly finding myself battling a never-ending Internal Struggle with whether or not I should go to the gym. It begins the moment I wake up, and only ends when either I go to the freakin' gym, or curse my lazy ass to sleep, hating myself for not forcing myself to go.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Internal Struggle:
7:00 am, alarm goes off: *Rolls over* mmgjhajkas...stupid alarm...dgjnzf...Son of a B...*hits snooze button*
7:07, alarm goes off again: Hmm...okay, I can sleep for 15 more minutes, then I have to get up
7:22: Alright, if I am going to get in a morning workout, I have to leave in an hour. Plenty of time.
7:30, alarm #2 goes off: Okay, I'm up, I'm up...zzzzzzzz
8:55 am: @$%#. It's okay, it's okay. I'll go after the lunch crowd is gone. I just have to get there before 3.
11 am: Or, you know, I could just go for a run later, when it cools off or something.
12:30: Better put my gym clothes on. If I'm already dressed, that's half the battle. Plus, how lazy would I have to be to get dressed and not go to the gym? Only a crazy person would do that.
1pm: I wonder how late the gym is open...
1:15: Pfft, it's open until 9! I can totally go later.
2:30: Alright, I have to go soon if I'm going to miss the after-work crowd.
3: I'll just go after dinner. It might be kind of nice then. But I really have to go, I mean there is no excuse.
4: Or I could still just have a run, then I don't have to drive the 40 minute round-trip drive...ugh
5:30: Or really, I could just eat really light today. I already kind of have. Isn't diet just as important as exercise? I mean, it's good to take a day off from the gym right? Let your body rest? Although, I didn't go 2 days ago either...But it's not like you have to work out every day to stay in shape right?
6:30: Well, let's be real, I am obviously not going to the gym today. I'd better decide if I'm going for a run or not so I can change out of these gym clothes.
6:45: *Steps outside* Well screw that. It's practically a steam room out there.
6:46: *Peels off sports bra* Aaah. That spells relief.
11:00 pm, in bed: I hate myself. What a lazy bitch. Who does that? Who. Does. That? *Sets alarm* I'm definitely working out tomorrow.
11 August, 2010
27 July, 2010
Ninja Kitty Assassins
So. I totally got mauled by one of our cats, Mr. Belding, today. I was just trying to move him off my lap so I could get up, and the moment I touched him, he twisted around like a kitty ninja and pierced my arm with his Chinese death stars--oh, I mean claws. I now feel that I know how Siegfried felt. Or is it Roy? Whichever. I felt betrayed and also it hurt like a bitch. I can't imagine anything hurting more, although I'm sure Siegfried would beg to differ. Or Roy. I immediately started crying and yelled "you bastard!" and ran to the bedroom, shutting the door so he couldn't follow me. It was all very dramatic. Like a Lifetime Movie, only I didn't collapse on the floor behind the door and weep silently. But don't think that didn't occur to me. Then of course within 5 minutes I hear scratching at the door, and obviously I was hoping it would be Tito trying to comfort me and tell me what a jerk his brother is, but alas, it was Mr. Belding, looking up at me all sweet and wide-eyed. He immediately started cuddling me so I think it's safe to say he really learned his lesson. Well. Probably not, but it's just so hard to stay mad at that little bugger, so the heart believes what it wants.
16 July, 2010
I'd Like To Buy A Vowel
Throughout my childhood, I had a variety of career aspirations. For example, at the age of four, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would proudly proclaim "Vanna White!" Yes, I felt that my talents would be best spent walking back and forth across a soundstage, turning letters (and later, as technology advanced, touching a screen to reveal letters). Plus she wore, like, really pretty sparkly dresses! What an awesome job! Later, I got a little older and decided that I wanted to be a member of The Mickey Mouse Club. Or Kids Incorporated, really I wasn't picky. Then I expanded beyond the show business industry and thought I might like to be a teacher. Then in sixth grade, my yearbook entry stated that I wanted to be a pediatrician. Really? I don't know where that one came from. I must not have realized how much schooling went into that, not to mention science classes, which I hate, and blood and needles, which I fear. But never mind. By seventh grade I knew what I really, truly wanted to be: a Janet Jackson back up dancer. I had the moves from the "If" video down pat, and I was pretty much obsessed with dance, taking at least 5 classes a week. Yes this was my calling.
In junior high, Brooke and I were so into our dance "careers" we refused to do anything that might jeopardize that.
Running the mile in PE: No thanks, we will walk. We don't want to develop bulky muscles that might not look aesthetically pleasing as a dancer, and ruin our futures in dance.
Invited to go on a snowboarding trip: Sorry, no can do. We might injure ourselves and not be able to perform at the Red Lion Inn in Sacramento next week.
The good news is, our ridiculous obsession also kept us out also kept us out of trouble. We wouldn't dare do anything to get ourselves in trouble and possibly risk our futures as Broadway dancers or Rockettes. Actually, I am too short to be a Rockette, which completely devastated me when I found out, but I digress.
Now that I am still looking for work and not having much luck, I think I may have had it right at the age of four. I mean Vanna White's job is pretty much awesome, and one of the few jobs for which I feel totally confident that I am qualified. Look out Vanna, someone's gunning for you to trip on your heels and leave a vacancy...
In junior high, Brooke and I were so into our dance "careers" we refused to do anything that might jeopardize that.
Running the mile in PE: No thanks, we will walk. We don't want to develop bulky muscles that might not look aesthetically pleasing as a dancer, and ruin our futures in dance.
Invited to go on a snowboarding trip: Sorry, no can do. We might injure ourselves and not be able to perform at the Red Lion Inn in Sacramento next week.
The good news is, our ridiculous obsession also kept us out also kept us out of trouble. We wouldn't dare do anything to get ourselves in trouble and possibly risk our futures as Broadway dancers or Rockettes. Actually, I am too short to be a Rockette, which completely devastated me when I found out, but I digress.
Now that I am still looking for work and not having much luck, I think I may have had it right at the age of four. I mean Vanna White's job is pretty much awesome, and one of the few jobs for which I feel totally confident that I am qualified. Look out Vanna, someone's gunning for you to trip on your heels and leave a vacancy...
10 July, 2010
Carrie Bradshaw, I Knew You Were A Smart Cookie
After all these years...six fabulous seasons and two somewhat entertaining movies... I finally know what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about. Okay, I don't want to brag, or toot my own horn, but there is a blonde in the room who just received her very first pair of Manolo Blahniks and she is really freaking excited about it!
I have to say after wearing them I really do understand why they are so expensive. They feel more comfortable, look more luxurious, and have the ability to make the wearer walk on water! I know that last part sounds a little far-fetched, but trust me, it's true. I won more money while wearing them in Vegas, and appeared at least 3 years younger. We are talking miracle shoes here!!! I walked taller (partly because my height was increased by at least 4 inches) and felt more fabulous. These puppies are worth every discounted penny! Ladies, there is a sale at the store in the Wynn. Run, don't walk. And when you leave the store...strut!
I have to say after wearing them I really do understand why they are so expensive. They feel more comfortable, look more luxurious, and have the ability to make the wearer walk on water! I know that last part sounds a little far-fetched, but trust me, it's true. I won more money while wearing them in Vegas, and appeared at least 3 years younger. We are talking miracle shoes here!!! I walked taller (partly because my height was increased by at least 4 inches) and felt more fabulous. These puppies are worth every discounted penny! Ladies, there is a sale at the store in the Wynn. Run, don't walk. And when you leave the store...strut!
24 June, 2010
Not Without Ketchup
Okay, I swore to myself that I wasn't just going to write about SYTYCD all the time because really. Not that many people watch it religiously like me, so I could be alienating some of my fan base! And then I realized... Fan base??! What fan base? Oh you mean my mom and husband? Yeah they have to listen to me anyway, so I can write about whatever I want! Yay me!
Anyhoodle, I am sitting here watching last night's episode and after getting through the first fifteen minutes of the two hour show, I just couldn't hold it in anymore! First of all, Cat Deeley clearly wants to be the next Paula because HOLY CRAP was she drunk or something?
In the opening of the show alone she said, for no apparent reason "Don't ruffle my feathers, Billy!" when strutting past him, and then kept repeating "Weren't they great this week?" Perhaps they were when you watched them in rehearsals, Cat, but the rest of us haven't watched them dance yet. After the first performance, which ends with Christina sort of straddled on top of Pasha, Cat says gleefully, "Woman on top! You're a girl after my own heart!" Um...okay...TMI maybe?
THEN it gets crazier. So they are doing these "packages" (as they call them on these shows) of clips of the dancers as kids. While Adechike is talking about how he has no photos of himself dancing as a child because his family lost everything in a fire, they proceed to show family photos of him engulfed in digital flames! I'm sorry...did that really just happen? That was both tasteless and uncomfortable. Congratulations, Fox! You just ousted Danielle Staub's "striptease performance" on the Real Housewives of New Jersey as The Thing Burned On My Retinas That I Never Wanted To See In The First Place. On to his performance with Allison... Oh I'm sorry, he was in that dance? I couldn't stop watching Allison; she was amazing. And herein lies the problem with the "All Stars" being on the show: the newbies risk being outperformed by the "All Stars" when paired up with the likes of Allison and Kathryn. And yes I am still putting "All Stars" in quotes much like I will write the Katy Perry song "California Girls" and not the deliberate (and ridiculous) misspelling she uses. I refuse to even acknowledge it. But that is neither her nor there.
Can I just take a minute here to sing the praises of Alex? I think he's my favorite male dancer. Although Kent was so stinking cute last week, he won me over a little bit. But Alex, to me, is the best male dancer on the show. Was he perfectly in the Fosse style this week? No, but he is such a beautiful dancer I really don't care. Add the fact that he was paired with Lauren, which to me worked in his favor, as she..well...SUCKS. Okay, obviously she's a better dancer than me, but that's not really the point. She's NOT better than, say, any other girl that's been on the show before and would have been better suited to be called an "All Star."
Next up, Cat manages to slur the word "Ashley" which is actually harder to do than it sounds, considering it has that built in "SH" sound that so often occurs in slurred speech.
By the way, is Mia Michaels wearing brass knuckles??
At this point in the evening, I half expected Cat to make a drunken remark about how the whitest boy to ever dance on their stage was about to krump and, well... she did manage to do a little "gangsta" hand motion when describing the "mean streets of Palm Beach" where he grew up. So I wasn't entirely disappointed. And in swoops Billy, out to steal my heart with the description of his first dance routine to the Backstreet Boys, replete with pleather, flame-covered costume at which point he says "it was pretty epic, I'm not going to lie." Oh Billy, that warmed my cold, black heart! And then Billy skips into rehearsal and says to Li'l C in true Billy fashion "Hiiiii Lit-tle C!" which is just so darn cute, especially when you anticipate that he is about to learn how to krump. Correction, Billy, THIS is going to be epic. I just hope they have plenty of pleather ready for him. And, well, Billy lucked out because that routine was about as much krump as Ashley's routine was jazz. Which is to say, not.
And then we have our resident tap dancer, Hipster McNoPersonality, who dances a contemporary routine in which I found her to be horrendous and the judges adored. Hmmm...WHATEVS
All-Star Kathryn (who doesn't get air quotes because she is EPIC) dancing Bollywood gave me chills. She was perfection wrapped up in a glittery, harem-wrapped, face-painted bow. I think she was paired up with one of the newbies but I failed to notice him.
I am excited to watch Lauren, my favorite contestant. However, the fact that I am 10 years older than her is not completely lost on me. This means that when she started dancing, I started high school. I have now officially become one of Those People who hates getting older. I'll try to let that go, because unless I locate Nicolas Flamel's Sorcerer's Stone and use it to make some Elixer of Life, I'm pretty much SOL on that front. Anyway, LAUREN. WAS. AMAZING! Love love love her! That hip hop routine was all kinds of awesome, and she NAILED IT! That just made my night. I may have to watch it again.
Not do be outdone, however, Cat manages to turn into a creepy sex predator. Lauren, young, sweet innocent and fresh out of high school, mentions how she tried to go to a deeper place (emotionally) with this performance, and Cat turns to her partner, Dominic, and says "Dominic do you want to get to a...deeper...place?" I am now convinced that Cat has been spending her free time with David Hasselhoff, and we will soon see her sprawled on the floor talking about cheeseburgers. I give it four more episodes.
Last up is Kent, who inadvertently calls his partner, Courtney, a whore, when he says she allows him to touch her as much as he wants, which is something new and different for him. I guess she didn't have the heart to tell him she was allowing him to touch her in the manner in which the routine was choreographed.
And the quote of the night comes from (who else?) Cat Deeley:
Nigel (to Courtney) "Would you eat [Kent] alive?"
Cat: "Not without ketchup!"
And OH MY GOD Cat actually says she's getting a hamburger after the show! Did I call that or what??! Better make that two more episodes.
Anyhoodle, I am sitting here watching last night's episode and after getting through the first fifteen minutes of the two hour show, I just couldn't hold it in anymore! First of all, Cat Deeley clearly wants to be the next Paula because HOLY CRAP was she drunk or something?
In the opening of the show alone she said, for no apparent reason "Don't ruffle my feathers, Billy!" when strutting past him, and then kept repeating "Weren't they great this week?" Perhaps they were when you watched them in rehearsals, Cat, but the rest of us haven't watched them dance yet. After the first performance, which ends with Christina sort of straddled on top of Pasha, Cat says gleefully, "Woman on top! You're a girl after my own heart!" Um...okay...TMI maybe?
THEN it gets crazier. So they are doing these "packages" (as they call them on these shows) of clips of the dancers as kids. While Adechike is talking about how he has no photos of himself dancing as a child because his family lost everything in a fire, they proceed to show family photos of him engulfed in digital flames! I'm sorry...did that really just happen? That was both tasteless and uncomfortable. Congratulations, Fox! You just ousted Danielle Staub's "striptease performance" on the Real Housewives of New Jersey as The Thing Burned On My Retinas That I Never Wanted To See In The First Place. On to his performance with Allison... Oh I'm sorry, he was in that dance? I couldn't stop watching Allison; she was amazing. And herein lies the problem with the "All Stars" being on the show: the newbies risk being outperformed by the "All Stars" when paired up with the likes of Allison and Kathryn. And yes I am still putting "All Stars" in quotes much like I will write the Katy Perry song "California Girls" and not the deliberate (and ridiculous) misspelling she uses. I refuse to even acknowledge it. But that is neither her nor there.
Can I just take a minute here to sing the praises of Alex? I think he's my favorite male dancer. Although Kent was so stinking cute last week, he won me over a little bit. But Alex, to me, is the best male dancer on the show. Was he perfectly in the Fosse style this week? No, but he is such a beautiful dancer I really don't care. Add the fact that he was paired with Lauren, which to me worked in his favor, as she..well...SUCKS. Okay, obviously she's a better dancer than me, but that's not really the point. She's NOT better than, say, any other girl that's been on the show before and would have been better suited to be called an "All Star."
Next up, Cat manages to slur the word "Ashley" which is actually harder to do than it sounds, considering it has that built in "SH" sound that so often occurs in slurred speech.
By the way, is Mia Michaels wearing brass knuckles??
At this point in the evening, I half expected Cat to make a drunken remark about how the whitest boy to ever dance on their stage was about to krump and, well... she did manage to do a little "gangsta" hand motion when describing the "mean streets of Palm Beach" where he grew up. So I wasn't entirely disappointed. And in swoops Billy, out to steal my heart with the description of his first dance routine to the Backstreet Boys, replete with pleather, flame-covered costume at which point he says "it was pretty epic, I'm not going to lie." Oh Billy, that warmed my cold, black heart! And then Billy skips into rehearsal and says to Li'l C in true Billy fashion "Hiiiii Lit-tle C!" which is just so darn cute, especially when you anticipate that he is about to learn how to krump. Correction, Billy, THIS is going to be epic. I just hope they have plenty of pleather ready for him. And, well, Billy lucked out because that routine was about as much krump as Ashley's routine was jazz. Which is to say, not.
And then we have our resident tap dancer, Hipster McNoPersonality, who dances a contemporary routine in which I found her to be horrendous and the judges adored. Hmmm...WHATEVS
All-Star Kathryn (who doesn't get air quotes because she is EPIC) dancing Bollywood gave me chills. She was perfection wrapped up in a glittery, harem-wrapped, face-painted bow. I think she was paired up with one of the newbies but I failed to notice him.
I am excited to watch Lauren, my favorite contestant. However, the fact that I am 10 years older than her is not completely lost on me. This means that when she started dancing, I started high school. I have now officially become one of Those People who hates getting older. I'll try to let that go, because unless I locate Nicolas Flamel's Sorcerer's Stone and use it to make some Elixer of Life, I'm pretty much SOL on that front. Anyway, LAUREN. WAS. AMAZING! Love love love her! That hip hop routine was all kinds of awesome, and she NAILED IT! That just made my night. I may have to watch it again.
Not do be outdone, however, Cat manages to turn into a creepy sex predator. Lauren, young, sweet innocent and fresh out of high school, mentions how she tried to go to a deeper place (emotionally) with this performance, and Cat turns to her partner, Dominic, and says "Dominic do you want to get to a...deeper...place?" I am now convinced that Cat has been spending her free time with David Hasselhoff, and we will soon see her sprawled on the floor talking about cheeseburgers. I give it four more episodes.
Last up is Kent, who inadvertently calls his partner, Courtney, a whore, when he says she allows him to touch her as much as he wants, which is something new and different for him. I guess she didn't have the heart to tell him she was allowing him to touch her in the manner in which the routine was choreographed.
And the quote of the night comes from (who else?) Cat Deeley:
Nigel (to Courtney) "Would you eat [Kent] alive?"
Cat: "Not without ketchup!"
And OH MY GOD Cat actually says she's getting a hamburger after the show! Did I call that or what??! Better make that two more episodes.
20 June, 2010
Panic Mode
Okay, I know I am a bit of an exaggerator, but I just came home to the biggest bug I have ever seen in my life. It is the size of a house. SERIOUSLY. It is bigger than my cats were when we got them as kittens. SERIOUSLY. I don't know what to do. Do I call the fire department? Animal control? The zoo? NASA? Maybe they'll want to do some experiments on it before returning it to it's home planet. I certainly don't have the stomach to get rid of it myself. I am afraid it will kill me in my sleep if I try. Or worse, kill me in my sleep if I DON'T try. Then what do I do with it if I am able to spray it down? Do I bury it? Call a funeral home? I am FREAKING OUT. We are talking about a girl who is afraid of baby spiders. This thing eats baby spiders for breakfast. Then moves on to mice because a baby spider is like a CRUMB to him. I am officially in full blown panic mode. Somebody help me!!!
28 May, 2010
So You Think You Can Ruin My Favorite Show
Just as another lackluster season of American Idol ends, so begins another season of one of my favorite shows: So You Think You Can Dance. Am I the only one who sometimes wishes they had gone with a show title that wasn't such a mouthful? Even just calling it "America's Favorite Dancer" since that's what they're searching for... or "American Dancer" like "American Idol" would've been easier too. I mean, those titles suggestions are admittedly kind of lame, but really, whoever was in the room when they voted on "So You Think You Can Dance" as the winning show title doesn't really have room to talk.
Anyway, the new season started the other night (I don't even know what night, it just showed up on my DVR list like a little gift from heaven) and I have some more grievances to air with Fox over the direction they are taking with this show. I know. But they brought this upon themselves.
Granted, they've changed the format around ever since the show started, so I should just get used to it. Like, does anyone remember Lauren Sanchez, the original host? Poor thing is to SYTYCD as Brian Dunkleman is to American Idol. Only Cat Deeley isn't nearly as big of a bitch as Ryan Seacrest, and would never go on live television and joke about the missing Lauren Sanchez. (For those who didn't watch this season of AI, Seacrest made a joke about Brian Dunkleman coming back, just one of many weird moments that make him a perfect candidate for his own Real Housewives franchise on Bravo. But I digress)
Anyway, the seasons have changed over the years, from the dancers switching partners every week, to having the same partner, which wasn't such a big deal to me. Then they added random styles like "Russian" replete with horrendous costumes. Not my cup of tea dance-wise, but it's good for some laughs, so whatevs. But these are just minor annoyances, like when the judges wet themselves over all of Sonya Tayeh's routines, most of which I just don't get. Sort of like her hair.
Last season you will recall they not only short-changed my season by an episode, but due to the World Series conflicting with the schedule, they didn't allow voting for the first couple of episodes. Which is sort of the entire point of the show: finding AMERICA'S Favorite Dancer. Not Nigel Lithgoe's Favorite Dancer. But the judges ultimately eliminated the people I would have eliminated, so I let that one slide.
But now, they're reformatting the entire process of the show. (Side note: I don't know if these changes are to make it more like Dancing With the Stars, but I for one don't even like that show) First of all, instead of having the show begin with the Top 20 dancers, they're only going to have a Top 10. I guess this means we can brace ourselves for an even shorter season than the last. Then, instead of the dancers being paired with each other, they are bringing in a cast of former contestants, or "All-Stars" (most of which are so memorable to me I had to look them up to figure out who the hell they were) and the dancers will be paired with a different "All-Star" each week. I will continue to put "All-Stars" in quotes because I refuse to take that title seriously. This is where it's reminding me wayyyy too much of DWTS. Because hey, trained dancers win that show too, so I really fail to see the difference now. Also, with "All-Stars" like Lauren in the mix, it vaguely reminds me of the "mentors" on American Idol this season. WHAT. A joke. Miley Cyrus was a mentor. You read that right. Miley Cyrus. What the hell kind of advice did they expect from her? "Hey y'all! *Smacks gum* So the way for y'all to become, like, famous and stuff *smack smack* is to have a daddy who's, like, already famous *smack* and, like, have him get you a show on the Disney Channel. *Smack smack* They'll pretty much take care of the rest of your career. *Smack*" Another one of Idol's expert "mentors": Adam Lambert. The same Adam Lambert who was just on last season. And lost. And whose very first album just came out. Like a week before the show. He was on Ellen before the mentor episode aired and even he was pretty miffed as to why they chose him. I guess a paycheck's a paycheck though.
In addition to these drastic changes to SYTYCD, the hot tamale train has permanently left the station. That's right, Mary Murphy has been replaced by MIA Michaels (Get it? She was MIA last season...and her name's Mia. I kill myself) as a permanent judge, and Mary will allegedly be back as a guest judge, but I won't hold my breath on that one. We'll see how this season pans out. I'm not going to lie, I am less than thrilled with these changes and I'm not afraid to take it off my DVR series list if it totally sucks. After all, I'm going to have to make room for The X Factor when that starts! At least there's one reality competition show for me to look forward to.
Anyway, the new season started the other night (I don't even know what night, it just showed up on my DVR list like a little gift from heaven) and I have some more grievances to air with Fox over the direction they are taking with this show. I know. But they brought this upon themselves.
Granted, they've changed the format around ever since the show started, so I should just get used to it. Like, does anyone remember Lauren Sanchez, the original host? Poor thing is to SYTYCD as Brian Dunkleman is to American Idol. Only Cat Deeley isn't nearly as big of a bitch as Ryan Seacrest, and would never go on live television and joke about the missing Lauren Sanchez. (For those who didn't watch this season of AI, Seacrest made a joke about Brian Dunkleman coming back, just one of many weird moments that make him a perfect candidate for his own Real Housewives franchise on Bravo. But I digress)
Anyway, the seasons have changed over the years, from the dancers switching partners every week, to having the same partner, which wasn't such a big deal to me. Then they added random styles like "Russian" replete with horrendous costumes. Not my cup of tea dance-wise, but it's good for some laughs, so whatevs. But these are just minor annoyances, like when the judges wet themselves over all of Sonya Tayeh's routines, most of which I just don't get. Sort of like her hair.
Last season you will recall they not only short-changed my season by an episode, but due to the World Series conflicting with the schedule, they didn't allow voting for the first couple of episodes. Which is sort of the entire point of the show: finding AMERICA'S Favorite Dancer. Not Nigel Lithgoe's Favorite Dancer. But the judges ultimately eliminated the people I would have eliminated, so I let that one slide.
But now, they're reformatting the entire process of the show. (Side note: I don't know if these changes are to make it more like Dancing With the Stars, but I for one don't even like that show) First of all, instead of having the show begin with the Top 20 dancers, they're only going to have a Top 10. I guess this means we can brace ourselves for an even shorter season than the last. Then, instead of the dancers being paired with each other, they are bringing in a cast of former contestants, or "All-Stars" (most of which are so memorable to me I had to look them up to figure out who the hell they were) and the dancers will be paired with a different "All-Star" each week. I will continue to put "All-Stars" in quotes because I refuse to take that title seriously. This is where it's reminding me wayyyy too much of DWTS. Because hey, trained dancers win that show too, so I really fail to see the difference now. Also, with "All-Stars" like Lauren in the mix, it vaguely reminds me of the "mentors" on American Idol this season. WHAT. A joke. Miley Cyrus was a mentor. You read that right. Miley Cyrus. What the hell kind of advice did they expect from her? "Hey y'all! *Smacks gum* So the way for y'all to become, like, famous and stuff *smack smack* is to have a daddy who's, like, already famous *smack* and, like, have him get you a show on the Disney Channel. *Smack smack* They'll pretty much take care of the rest of your career. *Smack*" Another one of Idol's expert "mentors": Adam Lambert. The same Adam Lambert who was just on last season. And lost. And whose very first album just came out. Like a week before the show. He was on Ellen before the mentor episode aired and even he was pretty miffed as to why they chose him. I guess a paycheck's a paycheck though.
In addition to these drastic changes to SYTYCD, the hot tamale train has permanently left the station. That's right, Mary Murphy has been replaced by MIA Michaels (Get it? She was MIA last season...and her name's Mia. I kill myself) as a permanent judge, and Mary will allegedly be back as a guest judge, but I won't hold my breath on that one. We'll see how this season pans out. I'm not going to lie, I am less than thrilled with these changes and I'm not afraid to take it off my DVR series list if it totally sucks. After all, I'm going to have to make room for The X Factor when that starts! At least there's one reality competition show for me to look forward to.
26 May, 2010
'Cause I'm A Blonde, Yeah Yeah Yeah!
Today, I couldn't take it anymore. I decided that today was the day I would get some mothereffing highlights! Actually, to be accurate I just decided that I needed to be blonder in any way, shape, or form. After perusing the interwebs for a viable hairdresser, and not finding anyone that jumped out at me, I saw online that Ulta carries the Frederic Fekkai hair color line. I've used it before and I had really liked the way it turned out, so I was just going to go a shade lighter with that for now. It's $30 well spent! Anyway, I had some other things I needed to do in the same area as the nearest Ulta, so I figured it was fate.
However, I got to the store and this particular Ulta didn't carry the line. Well. I browsed around but I didn't want to use the other brands. I mean, I've done it before but I have been trying so hard to grow my hair out and I didn't want to ruin all the progress. So I decided that this was in fact the real fate and I should just go ahead and get some highlights at the salon there. They didn't have anyone available for a couple of hours, but as fate would have it (AGAIN!) I had stopped there first and still had plenty of other shopping to do.
3:30, Toys R Us: Sale on the Pack N Play I needed to buy for my sweet niece to sleep in! Fate.
4:00, Williams Sonoma: Sprinkles cupcake mix (red velvet, my favorite!) AND Sarabeth's Strawberry Rhubarb jam??! The EXACT flavor I've been wanting to try??! Fate again!
4:07, Bath and Body Works: Sale on the soap I wanted to buy! Do I really have to say it? The shopping gods love me today.
4:15, Barnes and Noble: Squashy armchair free for me to sit in and read books I have no intention of buying? Hallelujah!
5:28, Ulta: Early for my appointment but I'll just read this magazine
5:35: Sit in chair and tell stylist "Make me a BLONDE again!"
5:45: La la la I'm going to be blonnnnnnndddddde!
5:47: Hmm. She's still working on the same hemisphere. How long does a partial highlight take here?
5:55: STILL working on the first of 3 sections of hair. I know I have a lot of luscious Italian hair, but really.
6:08: Sigh. Finally moved onto another section. Really hope I don't end up with one side of BLONNNNNDDDDE hair, one side of BLONDE hair and one side of blonde hair.
6:10: How is Jessica Biel on the cover of Vogue? What exactly is she promoting? Has she even worked in the last year?
6:11: OMG Katie Holmes is playing Jackie O in a movie??! The only thing worse than that was having to hear her warble "On My Own" from Les Miz like a cat in heat on Dawson's Creek. Oh, and watch her unsuccessfully attempt to dance and sing on SYTYCD. I guess when you agree to be a beard for Tom Cruise you feel you've earned the right to pretty much do whatever else you want.
6:37: She has finally reached the last section of hair and left me to set. Woo hoo! Won't be long now! I mean, since the dye has been on for an hour (on some parts at least) and my hair usually takes pretty quickly.
6:49: Still waiting...
7:03: Where is she? Shouldn't she at least come and check? I'm done with People and Vogue. My phone has died. I am BORED.
7:08: She has checked and it's apparently not ready. Everything really does move slower in the South. Even hair processing time. Although this IS the first time in a LONG time that I am having highlights put onto my actual natural hair. That may have something to do with it.
7:09: She has disappeared again presumably to the break room to text her boyfriend about how she's so bored and can't wait for her last client (me) to be done. That makes two of us, sweetheart.
7:15: She decided that it's finally time to put me under the dryer because gee, this is processing kinda slow!
7:17: La la la I love being under the dryer! I like to lean my head from side to side and listen to the foils crunch!
7:22: I could really use a massaging chair and maybe a foot rest and oooh a little tropical drink with an umbrella and maybe someone to fan me off and feed me grapes...Now that is a good idea for a salon!
7:35: Hurray! The hair is rinsed, I should be out of here in no time!
7:37: OOOWWWWW! Ow ow ow ow ow OW OWWW! Okay, I have a tough scalp so what the F is she combing my hair with? A lint roller?
7:42: This is the most painful blow dry I have ever had. She is inadvertently teasing my hair like a New Jersey hooker's as she dries it.
7:49: Hairdresser: "So...do you usually use conditioner?" F*@$. Well now I know why my hair is the most tangled it has ever been. This professional hair dresser didn't put conditioner in it after lightening it. Wow. Just wow. There are no words.
8:03: Done! After she put some product in it and brushed the poofiness out, it looks great! I guess sometimes beauty is pain.
8:05: La la la la la! I keep looking at myself in my rear view mirror. Being blonde again is like putting little rays of sunshine right there on my head. I feel happy! I feel euphoric! Maybe the bleach seeped into my brain cells...Oh well! Who cares? You don't have to be smart when you're a blonde! No one expects you to be anyway! Just kidding...sort of.
However, I got to the store and this particular Ulta didn't carry the line. Well. I browsed around but I didn't want to use the other brands. I mean, I've done it before but I have been trying so hard to grow my hair out and I didn't want to ruin all the progress. So I decided that this was in fact the real fate and I should just go ahead and get some highlights at the salon there. They didn't have anyone available for a couple of hours, but as fate would have it (AGAIN!) I had stopped there first and still had plenty of other shopping to do.
3:30, Toys R Us: Sale on the Pack N Play I needed to buy for my sweet niece to sleep in! Fate.
4:00, Williams Sonoma: Sprinkles cupcake mix (red velvet, my favorite!) AND Sarabeth's Strawberry Rhubarb jam??! The EXACT flavor I've been wanting to try??! Fate again!
4:07, Bath and Body Works: Sale on the soap I wanted to buy! Do I really have to say it? The shopping gods love me today.
4:15, Barnes and Noble: Squashy armchair free for me to sit in and read books I have no intention of buying? Hallelujah!
5:28, Ulta: Early for my appointment but I'll just read this magazine
5:35: Sit in chair and tell stylist "Make me a BLONDE again!"
5:45: La la la I'm going to be blonnnnnnndddddde!
5:47: Hmm. She's still working on the same hemisphere. How long does a partial highlight take here?
5:55: STILL working on the first of 3 sections of hair. I know I have a lot of luscious Italian hair, but really.
6:08: Sigh. Finally moved onto another section. Really hope I don't end up with one side of BLONNNNNDDDDE hair, one side of BLONDE hair and one side of blonde hair.
6:10: How is Jessica Biel on the cover of Vogue? What exactly is she promoting? Has she even worked in the last year?
6:11: OMG Katie Holmes is playing Jackie O in a movie??! The only thing worse than that was having to hear her warble "On My Own" from Les Miz like a cat in heat on Dawson's Creek. Oh, and watch her unsuccessfully attempt to dance and sing on SYTYCD. I guess when you agree to be a beard for Tom Cruise you feel you've earned the right to pretty much do whatever else you want.
6:37: She has finally reached the last section of hair and left me to set. Woo hoo! Won't be long now! I mean, since the dye has been on for an hour (on some parts at least) and my hair usually takes pretty quickly.
6:49: Still waiting...
7:03: Where is she? Shouldn't she at least come and check? I'm done with People and Vogue. My phone has died. I am BORED.
7:08: She has checked and it's apparently not ready. Everything really does move slower in the South. Even hair processing time. Although this IS the first time in a LONG time that I am having highlights put onto my actual natural hair. That may have something to do with it.
7:09: She has disappeared again presumably to the break room to text her boyfriend about how she's so bored and can't wait for her last client (me) to be done. That makes two of us, sweetheart.
7:15: She decided that it's finally time to put me under the dryer because gee, this is processing kinda slow!
7:17: La la la I love being under the dryer! I like to lean my head from side to side and listen to the foils crunch!
7:22: I could really use a massaging chair and maybe a foot rest and oooh a little tropical drink with an umbrella and maybe someone to fan me off and feed me grapes...Now that is a good idea for a salon!
7:35: Hurray! The hair is rinsed, I should be out of here in no time!
7:37: OOOWWWWW! Ow ow ow ow ow OW OWWW! Okay, I have a tough scalp so what the F is she combing my hair with? A lint roller?
7:42: This is the most painful blow dry I have ever had. She is inadvertently teasing my hair like a New Jersey hooker's as she dries it.
7:49: Hairdresser: "So...do you usually use conditioner?" F*@$. Well now I know why my hair is the most tangled it has ever been. This professional hair dresser didn't put conditioner in it after lightening it. Wow. Just wow. There are no words.
8:03: Done! After she put some product in it and brushed the poofiness out, it looks great! I guess sometimes beauty is pain.
8:05: La la la la la! I keep looking at myself in my rear view mirror. Being blonde again is like putting little rays of sunshine right there on my head. I feel happy! I feel euphoric! Maybe the bleach seeped into my brain cells...Oh well! Who cares? You don't have to be smart when you're a blonde! No one expects you to be anyway! Just kidding...sort of.
20 May, 2010
Class of... Aw, Crap I'm Getting Old
I am officially old. There, I said it. It's interesting how much things can change in such a short time. I had a thought the other night, when the radio was playing the late-night "club music": I have no desire to go clubbing. NONE. When did this happen? All I could think was it would be so much more fun (and not to mention cheaper) to hang out and drink wine at my house (maybe play a little Wii or Guitar Hero) then go to a nightclub. I hate crowds and waiting in line, only to have to pay a cover charge and buy expensive, watered-down drinks. I mean, this isn't to say I wouldn't ever go to a club. Hardly. I know I'd have fun, and I do love dancing. But gone is the desire to hit up the club scene 4 nights a week. Here's what it's like in your early 20's: Wednesday: it's Industry Night! Thursday: It's almost the weekend! Friday and Saturday: it is the weekend, duh! If you don't go out on these nights you are a LOSER!! Oh wait...It's Saturday night, and I am staying home watching Netflix and blogging. By choice. Huh. See, I didn't even realize this was happening.
Another sign I am getting old is not really so much a "sign" but a FACT-the fact that I graduated high school 10 years ago. TEN YEARS AGO. Old biddy. I also may or may not have found a hair of questionable color on my head. REALLY old biddy. There's no way to tell for sure though, seeing as how I ripped it out of my scalp immediately and went straight into denial. I'm SURE it was just a natural highlight. This is what I get for letting my natural hair color grow out.
This segued into thinking about class reunions, because I suppose this means I am about to have one, but I realized that Facebook has sort of defeated the purpose of reunions. I may not have seen many of my classmates in person in the last 10 years, but I've seen most of their profiles and pictures and status feeds, enough to know how everyone's doing. Do I really need to fly across the country to confirm they're not lying or photoshopping? I suppose it has the potential to be fun, though, but I'm not sure I want to be reminded so vividly just how old I'm really getting. And I have to be honest, the real reason I'd have any interest in going back to Roseville is Mikuni. The BEST sushi restaurant in the UNIVERSE. Perhaps if the RHS Class of 2000 reunion committee concedes to host the party AT Mikuni...well, then I really wouldn't be able to say no. OR if they hosted it at the new Harry Potter theme park! Now THERE'S a plan. It's a little far away from Sactown, but seriously. I'd enjoy myself, and really isn't that all that matters?
Another sign I am getting old is not really so much a "sign" but a FACT-the fact that I graduated high school 10 years ago. TEN YEARS AGO. Old biddy. I also may or may not have found a hair of questionable color on my head. REALLY old biddy. There's no way to tell for sure though, seeing as how I ripped it out of my scalp immediately and went straight into denial. I'm SURE it was just a natural highlight. This is what I get for letting my natural hair color grow out.
This segued into thinking about class reunions, because I suppose this means I am about to have one, but I realized that Facebook has sort of defeated the purpose of reunions. I may not have seen many of my classmates in person in the last 10 years, but I've seen most of their profiles and pictures and status feeds, enough to know how everyone's doing. Do I really need to fly across the country to confirm they're not lying or photoshopping? I suppose it has the potential to be fun, though, but I'm not sure I want to be reminded so vividly just how old I'm really getting. And I have to be honest, the real reason I'd have any interest in going back to Roseville is Mikuni. The BEST sushi restaurant in the UNIVERSE. Perhaps if the RHS Class of 2000 reunion committee concedes to host the party AT Mikuni...well, then I really wouldn't be able to say no. OR if they hosted it at the new Harry Potter theme park! Now THERE'S a plan. It's a little far away from Sactown, but seriously. I'd enjoy myself, and really isn't that all that matters?
12 May, 2010
Jolly Good
Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to book imaginary trips online. As in, I will check the prices of plane tickets and hotels for random dates, and sometimes I like to check and see what shows will be in town (if it's a Faux York trip, for example, what's new on Broadway!) and decide which restaurants and shops I want to visit. You know, just to get a feel for what this vacation would really be like if we were to actually go on it. What? It's normal. And in case you were wondering, there is no good or bad time to go to Disney World. The hotel prices really don't change that much! And HELLO it's Disney World. Anyway, besides Disney World, which I frequently imagine trips to, I would give anything to go back to Europe again. There are so many places I haven't seen; but then on the other hand, I can't imagine going all the way there without stopping in Paris and London again. Paris is my favorite city in the world (that I've been to, anyway) and I really have this inexplicable affinity for London as well. I love London! I want to live in London! I want to ride the tube and pop on over to Claridge's for high tea and say hello to the constable and the barrister and then pip pip cheerio on down the high street! Jolly good! I don't know why I'm suddenly in a Charles Dickens hallucination, but you get my point.
It all reminds me of a conversation I had awhile back with my sister.
Sister: Sometimes I really miss living in London.
Me: *thoughtful sigh* I miss London too!
Sister: Right...But you never actually lived there
Me: *dismissively* Minor detail.
But I mean, seriously, sometimes I really miss it there! Which makes me wonder. Can you really miss a place in which you have spent approximately 2 weeks (not even consecutively)? I mean clearly, I have an overactive imagination. So in my head I've spent quite a bit more time than two measly weeks there, especially when you think of all the books, movies, and online adventures I've had. Or... maybe I was Queen Elizabeth in a past life. Then I'd obviously feel a draw to the country I helped shape. Duh. Yes, the more I think about it, I think that is the obvious conclusion for why I love British things, people and places. They are MY people... And things... and places. Right. Jolly good! Well...Carry on, then!
It all reminds me of a conversation I had awhile back with my sister.
Sister: Sometimes I really miss living in London.
Me: *thoughtful sigh* I miss London too!
Sister: Right...But you never actually lived there
Me: *dismissively* Minor detail.
But I mean, seriously, sometimes I really miss it there! Which makes me wonder. Can you really miss a place in which you have spent approximately 2 weeks (not even consecutively)? I mean clearly, I have an overactive imagination. So in my head I've spent quite a bit more time than two measly weeks there, especially when you think of all the books, movies, and online adventures I've had. Or... maybe I was Queen Elizabeth in a past life. Then I'd obviously feel a draw to the country I helped shape. Duh. Yes, the more I think about it, I think that is the obvious conclusion for why I love British things, people and places. They are MY people... And things... and places. Right. Jolly good! Well...Carry on, then!
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