It's Britney, Bitch

I was leaving the tanning salon today, and it was a beautiful, sunny day. There was only one thing that could capture my mood properly. A little Britney Spears in my life. So I grabbed my iPod, found the Britney playlist and put it on shuffle. Cruising down the highway with the sunroof down, I bopped along happily, and as "Me Against the Music" came on, I suddenly had a very vivid memory that made me laugh. You know how certain songs or smells can bring you back to specific memories that you associate with them? Well, usually when I hear that song I think about going to the Beachcomber with my friends from Point Loma and requesting that song, I don't know why, I guess because that was back when it first came out. But suddenly I remembered a whole different scenario, and it brought back some truly great memories.

When I lived in LA, my roommate Heather and I used to go to East West, a gay bar in West Hollywood (actually, calling a bar "gay" in West Hollywood is sort of redundant, but that is neither her nor there) every Tuesday night for karaoke. Now, I have always been a fan of karaoke. It's fun and silly, especially after a handful couple of drinks. But I have never had as much fun going to karaoke as I have had at East West. I would generally consider it an upscale place, $12 cocktails, classy decor and candles that smelled mind-alteringly heavenly. But when Tuesday nights rolled around (and our crowd rolled in) it was raucous and goofy and much much more immature. If you have never been to karaoke, this is where you should go. Besides our crazy asses, the other regulars were quite the glorious sight to behold. If anyone knows how to do karaoke right, it's Gay Hollywood. It is on a whole different level. Some people took themselves very, very seriously. And others, well, it was unsure to tell if they were serious or not. Like the guy who came in early with his own costumes and sets and sang "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid in full regalia. It was all kinds of awesome.

And then there was Heather and I. Heather, who is the biggest Renthead I know, and I, with the borderline unhealthy obsession with Britney Spears. I think you might see where I'm going with this. Heather would usually belt out "Out Tonight" from Rent as well as various other Broadway tunes, and I would always, always sing Britney. The karaoke host got to know us pretty well, and I think it's safe to say he liked us.

Now, part of my obsession with Britney has involved learning her dances over the years. I'm quite proud of how well that time and effort paid off. Fast forward to one Tuesday night at East West when I made a throwaway comment about this and how I wished there was a headset microphone (like Brit Brit uses) and the karaoke host's eyes lit up. Oh yes. He had one. Cue the music! I then proceeded to do the entire "I'm A Slave 4 U" routine, song, dance and all. Oh yes I did. After this amazing display of greatness one of the other bar patrons approached me and said he wanted to do "Me Against the Music" with me. I of course was thrilled (yet obviously not surprised after that performance) that someone wanted to duet with me, to be the Madonna to my Britney, so I happily obliged. That's when he did it. The little twink actually had the nerve to do it.

Twink: "Okay, great! So I'll be Britney and you'll be Madonna!"
Me:*stares incredulously* "Excuse me?"
Pushy Little Twink: "Well I'm always Britney!"
Me: "Oh honey, no. I'm Britney, bitch! Come back to me when you realize that."

And that, little children, is how Britney came up with her catchphrase "It's Britney, bitch."

Okay, that may not be entirely true. But I'd like to think so.