'Splain Yourself

I still remember when I first discovered I Love Lucy. It was right around the same time that I realized that staying home sick from school totally rules. You see, I had the stomach flu and had to stay home for a week. I spent the whole time curled up on the couch, under the afghan watching daytime television. That's when I discovered Lucy. My long lost best friend. I so wanted to be friends with her and Ethel. I mean HELLO that Carolyn Applebee was a total bitch and did not deserve to be their friend. I would've held the crowbar while Lucy pried John Wayne's footprints out of the sidewalk. I could've taught Lucy ballet and helped her finally get to be in Ricky's show. And if she stuck with me she'd have a way higher tolerance and wouldn't have gotten drunk on a few measly sips of Vitameatavegemin. Sigh. I guess I was just born about 50 years too late for that one. But I have a running list of characters that I would want in my circle of friends and Lucy (and Ethel) will always be at the top. Among the others are Sophia Petrillo, Lindsay Bluth Funke, and Rachel Green.

Mimi Starr Strikes Again

I am a Gemini. This basically means I am at liberty to act as crazy as I want and no one's allowed to say anything. It also means that my personality is like a Magic Cookie Bar; there are many delicious layers.



As my mom and sister will love to tell you, I had an alter ego in the first grade. I decided that I was unsatisfied with my boring name, and was going to change it to Mimi Starr. Two Rs. Mimi was the name of my beloved Hot Looks doll. Starr was...I don't know. Whatever. I decided to instate said name change by writing it on my school papers. In the bottom right corner I'd still put my real name. I figured it was a great way to phase it out, plus I obviously wanted credit for my work. Duh. I don't know what ever made me stop, probably my teacher asking my mom if I was having an identity crisis or something.

I find it interesting that a shy little girl like me would want to be named something as flamboyant as Mimi Starr. I mean, it does sound like it could be the name of a contestant in RuPaul's Drag Race. Am I right? Or maybe a contestant on Toddlers and Tiaras. Mimi Starr would be the one jumping out of a life sized jewelry box dressed as a Bob Mackie inspired ballerina for the "Wow Wear" portion of competition. (Clearly I've given this some thought)

And so in thinking about the whole Identity Crisis of 1988, I realized that I had that strange Gemini quality of being rather shy socially, but loving to perform on stage. I was mostly mild mannered, but cross me and I'd cut a bitch. Just kidding. Maybe. Laugh all you want at the whole astrology thing, but consider this: Courteney Cox and I have the same birthday. She has not once, but twice worn things on her shows that I myself own. Coincidence? Pssssh, I think not. If sharing the same taste in fashion doesn't prove astrology right, well then, I don't know what will, kids.

It's Britney, Bitch

I was leaving the tanning salon today, and it was a beautiful, sunny day. There was only one thing that could capture my mood properly. A little Britney Spears in my life. So I grabbed my iPod, found the Britney playlist and put it on shuffle. Cruising down the highway with the sunroof down, I bopped along happily, and as "Me Against the Music" came on, I suddenly had a very vivid memory that made me laugh. You know how certain songs or smells can bring you back to specific memories that you associate with them? Well, usually when I hear that song I think about going to the Beachcomber with my friends from Point Loma and requesting that song, I don't know why, I guess because that was back when it first came out. But suddenly I remembered a whole different scenario, and it brought back some truly great memories.

When I lived in LA, my roommate Heather and I used to go to East West, a gay bar in West Hollywood (actually, calling a bar "gay" in West Hollywood is sort of redundant, but that is neither her nor there) every Tuesday night for karaoke. Now, I have always been a fan of karaoke. It's fun and silly, especially after a handful couple of drinks. But I have never had as much fun going to karaoke as I have had at East West. I would generally consider it an upscale place, $12 cocktails, classy decor and candles that smelled mind-alteringly heavenly. But when Tuesday nights rolled around (and our crowd rolled in) it was raucous and goofy and much much more immature. If you have never been to karaoke, this is where you should go. Besides our crazy asses, the other regulars were quite the glorious sight to behold. If anyone knows how to do karaoke right, it's Gay Hollywood. It is on a whole different level. Some people took themselves very, very seriously. And others, well, it was unsure to tell if they were serious or not. Like the guy who came in early with his own costumes and sets and sang "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid in full regalia. It was all kinds of awesome.

And then there was Heather and I. Heather, who is the biggest Renthead I know, and I, with the borderline unhealthy obsession with Britney Spears. I think you might see where I'm going with this. Heather would usually belt out "Out Tonight" from Rent as well as various other Broadway tunes, and I would always, always sing Britney. The karaoke host got to know us pretty well, and I think it's safe to say he liked us.

Now, part of my obsession with Britney has involved learning her dances over the years. I'm quite proud of how well that time and effort paid off. Fast forward to one Tuesday night at East West when I made a throwaway comment about this and how I wished there was a headset microphone (like Brit Brit uses) and the karaoke host's eyes lit up. Oh yes. He had one. Cue the music! I then proceeded to do the entire "I'm A Slave 4 U" routine, song, dance and all. Oh yes I did. After this amazing display of greatness one of the other bar patrons approached me and said he wanted to do "Me Against the Music" with me. I of course was thrilled (yet obviously not surprised after that performance) that someone wanted to duet with me, to be the Madonna to my Britney, so I happily obliged. That's when he did it. The little twink actually had the nerve to do it.

Twink: "Okay, great! So I'll be Britney and you'll be Madonna!"
Me:*stares incredulously* "Excuse me?"
Pushy Little Twink: "Well I'm always Britney!"
Me: "Oh honey, no. I'm Britney, bitch! Come back to me when you realize that."

And that, little children, is how Britney came up with her catchphrase "It's Britney, bitch."

Okay, that may not be entirely true. But I'd like to think so.

I Do Many Things Well. None Which Generate Income.

I've been thinking lately about what I might do for work when we move to North Carolina next week. For the last year I have had the joy of realizing my lifelong dream of being Lucy Ricardo. And as wonderful and fulfilling as it has been, there is something hanging over our heads that has drawn us to the conclusion that I must return to the workforce: that really expensive college education that I insisted upon getting. It has come to my attention that perhaps I could've saved a lot of money and trouble if I'd have just dropped out years ago and never bothered finishing. But alas, I really felt that it was important for me to be college educated. Idiot. Now I have my Bachelor's degree, but no relevant work experience and some lovely student loan debt. So basically, I've spent a lot of time and money to be qualified to do exactly what I've been doing for the last 10 years: restaurants and retail. Except now we're moving to a somewhat rural part of the country and in this market it's slllliiiimmmm pickings out there.

So now what? What's a girl like me to do for work? I'd really love to be paid to do nothing, but I've never been able to figure out how to bring that stroke of genius into fruition. Or, if I could be paid to just GTL all day that'd be great. But again, I'm not sure how to make that happen. I could illegally sublet rooms in our new beach condo to my friends and family who want to come visit. I mean really. Beach rentals cost per week what we pay per month. I could offer a generous discount of a couple hundred dollars and really be raking it in. But that won't work because Michael doesn't want to do anything illegal (prude) and strangely, none of my friends or family seem all that keen on visiting now that I've brought up that plan. What is that about?

Sigh. I'm sure I can find something to do with myself, let's just hope it's something that offers incredibly generous pay for very little work. I'd appreciate your good thoughts and/or prayers on that one.

Back to School

I found myself reflecting on "back to school" season today. It was equal parts my favorite and most dreaded part of the year. I dreaded the end of summer, but I truly loved the back to school shopping that would occur every August.

I loved going to Miller's Outpost and getting a new outfit every year. Usually it was a head-to-toe matching ensemble complete with matching scrunchie and colored Keds. If I was really lucky, I had received a new Esprit outfit for my birthday (which is in June, and therefore anything I got for my birthday was new for the school year) and maybe a kicky pair of shorts from 5-7-9.

But beyond the new outfits, the thing I miss the most about back to school season is the new school supplies. For some reason when I think back to school I think Molly McIntire, American Girl. I think it's because in fifth grade I got the Molly school bag, and I felt so badass. It was a plaid messenger bag in the 1940's style Molly wore, and no one had anything like it. Everyone else had their Jansport backpacks in assorted colors, but not me. I had a slight obsession with the American Girl dolls (though I of course had Kirsten Larsen, the Swedish immigrant) and I loved the things you could buy for yourself to match the dolls. Among Molly's backpack I owned the matching nightgown to my Kirsten doll's, and Samantha Parkington's dress and high button boots . But I digress.

There are two back to school things I had a sudden urge to go out and buy today, and admittedly would if they were readily available. First and foremost, a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper. And maybe some scratch and sniff stickers to stick on it. I mean, I'm sorry but we had the best crap in the 80's and early 90's. I'd take a Trapper Keeper and a session of Oregon Trail over the lame 3-ring binders and whatever high tech games the kids play today. Not to mention our amazing toys: He-Man/ She-ra, Teddy Ruxpin, My Buddy/ Kid Sister, Hot Looks, and RAINBOW BRITE (hello!) just to name a few. Which brings me to the next item I wish I could buy: a Barbie and the Rockers lunch box like the one I had in the 80's. I really wish I had saved some of this amazing memorabilia.

I can't remember when back to school shopping came to an end...I suppose it must have been college, when I'd just buy supplies from the bookstore as I needed them. But I'd give anything to go shopping with my mom for some Lisa Frank pencils and smelly erasers right about now.

Dear Butchers of the English Language

There's no M in valentine

There's no X in escape

There's no B in supposedly

There's no X is ask

There's no L in frustrate

There's "would have" and "would've" but no "would of"

There's so many more I'm sure I'm forgetting. Therefore you may direct further questions here.

And have yourself a very happy ValentiNe's Day! ♥

Official "Apples Are Better Than PCs" Post, or "Ode to Apple"

Considering my feelings about the gloriousness of both my iMac and iBook, it is a wonder I haven't put my feelings on...screen sooner. I have owned no less than 4 PCs in 8 years before inheriting my iBook from my generous father 2 years ago. I should also point out that this iBook is now 6 years old and still running like a champ. The only problem I have had in the 2 years of owning it is the battery has pretty much crapped out on me, but I am too cheap/lazy to buy a new one until I really need it. So I have to leave it plugged in if I'm using it for more than a couple of hours. On a computer that is 6 years old, I'd say that's to be expected. And let me repeat myself: this is the only problem I have had with it.

Each of my PCs crashed out on me multiple times; viruses galore would cause the internet to stop working, or windows I had open would mysteriously close themselves whenever they felt like it. But my beautiful Mac is still virus free. Doing the math, each of my PCs lasted for approximately 2 years before needing to be replaced. Each one was new when I got it. They crashed for different reasons; I'm sure my first one, which I got for college, crashed because of all the music I illegally downloaded, and the file sharing I did on campus with every other computer. However, had I had a Mac at the time, I think it's safe to say the problem would be drastically less if not nonexistent.

To the people who think Macs are too hard to navigate: you have obviously never really tried using a Mac. Everything is so simple it's laughable. I think of a commercial that is running right now in which the full minute is devoted to showing how "easy" the Geek Squad makes things. The action the Geek Squad is performing is setting up a printer on a PC. This takes the entire commercial to complete (if not longer in real life) while the woman in the commercial is pretending to use magical powers to make it happen as the Geek Squad dials in and does it for her.

The point is, all this commercial does is reiterate to me how difficult it is to set up a printer on a PC.

On a Mac, you don't even have to set up printers. All you do is plug it in, hit "print" on whatever it is you want to print, and the Mac finds the printer itself. In nanoseconds. And I'd like to point out that this is any kind of printer, it does not have to be an Apple; I have an HP printer and it was this simple.

I have finally converted Michael into a Maclover too. His Dell had crashed, he spent hundreds of dollars getting it fixed, and within a couple of months it crashed again. I'm talking you couldn't even open it in "safe mode" kind of crashed. He wanted to pay to get it fixed again, but after much convincing, I talked him into buying a glorious new iMac. Once you go Mac you never go back! He is officially in love. He becomes incredulous when someone we know has a PC, or especially when someone has the audacity to claim not to like Macs. He knows as well as I do that these people have obviously never properly used one.

If you are reading this, and you "are a PC" (as the commercials for Windows 7 say), please feel free to come over to our house anytime. We will read you the Gospel of Mac and convert you faster than you can say Snow Leopard.

Check It.

I've decided to be known as a personal chef now, because it's not a lie. I am Michael's personal chef. Anyway, read this my peeps!

Sign of the Times?

When it comes to movies and television, I'm not that difficult a person to please. I'm admittedly and avid watcher of The Suite Life on the Disney Channel (London Tipton is one of my all time favorite characters), and my favorite movies include Center Stage and Spice World. So when I received the 2009 remake of Fame from Netflix, I was expecting to enjoy it.

I turned it off before it was even over. I hardly ever do that. My innate curiosity almost always causes me to want to see what happens, even if I'm not that into a movie. And hello, a movie about a performing arts high school is sure to be right up my alley! Instead, I opted to turn it off because I was more interested in continuing reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone...which I have read at least five times already.

But Fame was so boring I didn't even care. The dancing was lackluster and the need to turn every performing art movie into some sort of hip hop these days was such a huge turnoff. Step Up was fine, Step Up 2 Tha Streetzzz not so much. Maybe I like classical dance. Maybe I appreciate Shakespeare. Why does "modernizing" a movie mean Shakespeare performed as a rap or ballet performed to hip hop music? (Save the Last Dance is probably the only other dance movie that I hated for that reason) Is this something I have to accept as a sign of the times? I'm truly starting to believe I was born in the wrong generation. Everything seems to be dumbed down in order to get the youth of today to watch it. Maybe they're just all too busy "twittering" about their inane lives to pay attention to a movie with any character development or dialogue that requires a full attention span.

Sigh. I'm going to go put Fame back in the mail and just pretend it never happened. Next on the list: Secret Diary of a Call Girl, disc 2. See? I told you I'm not hard to please.

Honestly. *update!*

I was about to retire for the evening, when I came across this "news" story:

Is Katy Perry Pregnant? (click on link)

I'm sorry. WHAT? So let me get this straight. Katy Perry "twittered" that 2010 is "bumpin", that she wants In N Out, and joked to her fiance "I heard ur prego-ed" therefore she is fueling rumors that she is pregnant??!

Nothing annoys me more than these obnoxious entertainment "news" stories. Like on Entertainment Tonight and Inside Edition, they will run headlines such as: "Is Elin Woods wearing her wedding ring again?" and then at the end of the show they'll reveal the picture and it's of her twin sister. With her husband standing next to her. And just to be sure, they'll show a picture taken of Elin the same day in another country. A picture they've obviously had all along and therefore knew that they were creating a story out of nothing. Or E! News has their segment "So True/So False" where they will make up a rumor about a celebrity and then tell you it's not true. What is this world coming to? Can someone please tell me how this useless crap qualifies as news anyway?

Let's recap. Katy Perry is in India, and commented to her friends in LA (where the New Year hadn't yet occurred) that 2010 is bumpin' , and she discusses a food item she wants but can't have because she is in another country, so the obvious conclusion we should draw is that she's pregnant.

Just checking.


*Update*
Katy Perry finally had to spell out in black and white (and...red?) that she is not pregnant. Is that clear enough for you, media?