The Honeymoon Is Over

It was bound to happen. One cannot stay blindly in love forever. Eventually, the rose-colored glasses come off and you see the other for what they really are. I am, of course, talking about my love affair with Apple.

As many of you know, I have been a lovestruck teenager for Apple and their products for quite some time. It started out innocent enough, with my first iPod, and grew immensely when I began using my iBook. I saw how PCs paled in comparison to my sexy, sleek iBook and all it's glorious features. Then I upgraded to an iPod touch and my love abounded. Eventually, when Michael's Dell desktop computer crapped out for the second time, I used my feminine wiles to convince him to replace it with an iMac, and when he finally conceded, he too fell in love. We have been an Apple household ever since.

To continue to list the Apple products I have purchased over the years would probably be a welcome invitation to local robbers and street gangs (if they even have those here), so I will just get on with the story of my first lover's quarrel with Apple.

It began on a sunny Saturday morning, not unlike any other. Bored, I was playing with my iPhone (hello product placement) and decided it was time to change my ring tone. I noticed in iTunes that they have added some great new selections, and I found the perfect one with which to make a statement to the world about who I am. The Dexter theme song. Nothing's scarier than a hugely pregnant woman with a serial killer ring tone. When I tried to purchase it, however, iTunes informed me that I needed to upgrade to the newest operating system before I would be allowed to purchase said ring tone. Well that seemed innocent enough, I mean 'upgrade' is such a nice sounding word, so I went down to the computer and followed the procedure to upgrade to iOS 5. And this is where things take a turn for the worse.

Upon retrieving my phone, I saw a strange new screen that was asking me to input certain information before my phone setup could be completed. I went though the series of screens with no problems until it wanted me to put in my iTunes user name and password. After I did so, I received a message saying I needed to change my user name to an email address to continue. That seemed like an inconvenience to the login process, considering how much more I will now have to type just to purchase a damn song, but who am I to argue with the phone instruction page? I put in my email address, which is my first and last name at gmail dot com. Then, an ugly blue screen pops up saying "an account with this email address already exists."

Well, that's strange, since I have not set up another account, and I haven't approved any strangers using my email account with the confirmation email that Apple sends you. So what gives? After quite a bit of time spent trying different password combinations with my email address, it seemed clear that there was something wrong on Apple's end as to why I was unable to use my own email account for this now obnoxious upgrade.

I wanted to call Apple's tech support to get some help, but I could not get past this setup screen to access anything on my phone. Then I remembered I have one of those archaic land lines that I pay for but never use, so I dusted off that phone and searched Apple's website for a phone number. And herein lies the next problem.

There is no customer service phone number for these kinds of issues. You can call their support for issues with your devices, but the problem wasn't really my device, it was a problem with either their new operating system, or iTunes account management. However, I tried the phone number anyway, and answered the automated a-hole on the other end of the line. But then he kept asking me for my phone's serial number. Well, that is stored under the "settings" icon on the home screen, but I cannot get past this stupid user name and password page to get to my home screen! After screaming "OPERATOR!" at the automated a-hole a few times, I was finally connected to a live person, who was about as friendly as the automated a-hole. When I told her in detail what I was dealing with, she asked me for my iPhone serial number. I had to explain AGAIN that I cannot get to it, as I am stuck on this screen. Then she asked me for my email address to look me up that way. She was unable to find any account under my email address. When I asked her why, then, is it telling me an account already exists with my email(?!?!), she said she didn't know. Helpful, as that is why I have called today. When she was finally able to look me up, she told me my 90 days of free service have already expired for my phone so they may or may not decide to charge me a fee before they'll help me, but someone else will determine that, and she promptly transferred my call. Now, I don't really understand why, if she had actually been listening to me, she would be telling me that I need iPhone support, when this is clearly not an issue with my phone itself, but with iTunes. Before I could find out from the next person though, my call that had taken 15 minutes was disconnected.

Now, I'm not the most patient person to begin with, but the thought of being without my phone when I'm 8 months pregnant and my husband is across the country, made me hit the redial button and try again. After going through pretty much the same process and reaching an equally friendly "service" agent, he also tried to tell me I was going to have to purchase support if I wanted their help. Before I could ask why, I was disconnected again. Seeing as how well my last two calls went, I searched the website for alternate means of resolving this issue. Since this upgrade is new, I couldn't find any answers in the troubleshooting forums, so I found the iTunes support contact, which is only via email, and sent them the following message:

"I updated my iPhone to the new software version 5 and now I'm trying to set up my phone and it tells me I need to put in my iTunes user ID. I do this and then it tells me I need to change it to my email address. So I put in my email address and it tells me this email address is already being used. Well my password doesn't work with my email address and when I have tried to reset it by having you send me an email, I am not receiving any emails from you to reset it. I have tried 3 times. I also tried by answering the security questions and it tells me my answers are wrong. Now I can't use my phone and you have no way of helping me unless I pay you for iPhone support? But this is not an iPhone problem. I need my phone to be in working order today as I am 8 months pregnant and my husband is working out of state, and I need to be able to send and receive calls and texts to and from him. This is unacceptable."

A few minutes later, I got this reply:

Dear customer,

This is an automated reply, but an iTunes Store representative will be reviewing your request and will send you a personal response soon (generally within 48 hours).


And it goes on to reference several "helpful" FAQ articles.

With the prospect of spending 48 hours being unable to use my phone, I spent a quality amount of time fiddling around with my iTunes preferences and was eventually able to get my email address accepted as my user name. Which again, is pretty inconvenient. I mean now I even have to type an @ when I want to purchase anything? My old user name was 8 characters, now it's 25. Annoying. But whatever, I got my phone to work again, no thanks to Apple. The next day I got this cheerful little number in my inbox:

Dear Rebecca,

Greetings from iTunes Store Customer Support! I would like to introduce myself, my name is Mariz and I will be assisting you today.

I understand that you are having trouble signing into your iTunes Store account "yourname@gmail.com" on your iPhone. I know this is upsetting and am sorry for the inconvenience this have caused you.

Rebecca, please try the steps below to sign into your account on your device.

Since you have the latest software for your device, follow these steps to sign in:

1) Verify that you have access to the internet from your iOS device via EDGE, 3G, or Wi-Fi.

2) On your iOS device, tap the Settings icon on your Home screen.

3) Scroll down and tap the Store icon.

4) The Apple ID you are signed in with will appear on the next screen. If you aren't signed in, you'll see a Sign In button.

5) If you are already signed in to an account and the Apple ID that appears is different from the account you'd like to be signed in with, tap the Apple ID button then tap the Sign Out button that appears.

6) Once you are signed out, the Sign In button will appear. Tap it.

7) Now, tap the Use Existing Apple ID button.

8) Enter your Apple ID as listed above and your password in their respective fields, then tap OK to sign into your account.

If you sign in successfully, your Apple ID will appear in the Apple ID button at the top of the Store screen. You can press the Home button to return to your home screen once you know are signed in. You can then tap the iTunes, iBooks, or App Store icons to browse the stores on your device.

If you no longer have the password for your account, you can simply reset it from any computer via Apple's iForgot website at:

http://iforgot.apple.com

If you have any trouble signing into your account or if you receive any error messages, I can reset your account password for you. Before I can do this, Apple requires that you provide the following for security reasons and troubleshooting:

- The billing address listed on the account
- A detailed description of any error messages you may have received

...as well as one of the following:

- the last four digits of the credit card used for your iTunes Store account
- or the order number of your most recent purchase
- or the name of any item you've purchased using this account

Upon receiving your response, Apple will verify your information, reset your password, and send you an email with your new password.

If you have any additional questions, please let me know and I will be happy to assist you further. I hope you enjoy using the iTunes Store.

Have a wonderful day!

Sincerely,


Mariz
iTunes Store Customer Support

Please Note: I work M-F, 8:00AM-5:00PM CST

To which I replied:

Obviously you did not read my original email, because I already explained in it that I had tried resetting my password on iForgot, and that did not work. And not only that, but I was trying to do the new setup on my iPhone because I upgraded it to the new operating system 5, and if you had read that part of my email, then you would also know that none of your other "tips" would work, since I was unable to reach the Home screen without completing your new setup, which REQUIRES the iTunes user name and password to reach the Home screen. But it doesn't matter that you merely glanced over my words and gave me no usable solution to my problem, much like your colleagues who work the Apple "support" telephones, because I was able to resolve the problem on my own, after spending many frustrating hours trying to figure it out, with absolutely no help from Apple's "customer service." To say I am upset with Apple's ability to handle a matter such as this would be a vast understatement. I used to tell everyone how wonderful I thought Apple was; I always buy Apple products, my house could be a showroom for Apple. But now I will be sure to tell everyone contemplating buying one of your products about the horrible experience I have had, and in future purchases will myself look into other brands that actually offer help to their customers when needed instead of Apple's laughable customer service.

Sent from my iPad <---- how ironic.


Was this a slightly dramatic overreaction? Maybe. But still, obviously this person did not read everything I said, or maybe they have chimpanzees running their support office, in which case Mariz did a pretty excellent job of understanding my issues, given his hindered communication abilities and lack of opposable thumbs. But something tells me this s a person, not a chimp. Nonetheless, I felt a little bad for the bitchiness of my email, like maybe my hormones got the best of me. And then I received this little gem this morning:

Dear Rebecca,

Natasha, here from the iTunes Store. Mariz is out of the office for a few days and has asked me to keep an eye on your request for him.

Thank you for your response. I apologize for any frustration this may have caused Rebecca. I am glad to hear that your issue has been resolved however.

I hope you enjoy your day! Thank you for your continuous support. Take care Rebecca.

Sincerely,

Natasha

iTunes Store/Mac App Store Customer Support


Thank you for your continuous support?!!?! What about my response conveyed that I have continued support for this company? Apparently Natasha's reading comprehension is as spectacular as Mariz's. Not to mention her utter disregard for the comma. Although, at least I know that an actual human being took time out of their day to write that asinine response. But I think it's safe to say I am no longer in love with Apple to it's core. Steve Jobs is gone and so is my blind loyalty. Perhaps I will change my mind once I cool off. Or give birth. Either way, Apple has a lot of making up to do to me.




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Warning Labels

As I was doing my hair the other day, I reached for a new styling product I had been using and glanced over the instructions, because I felt it wasn't living up to my full expectations. I needed to make sure I was using it to the best of it's abilities before getting angry with it. Anyway, as I was reading the instructions, I was struck by the bold print WARNINGS printed after the instructions. Warnings that on products such as these I tend to ignore. I mean really. It's hair smoothing cream, not rocket science. What could I possibly need to know? Apparently a lot. Here is what the warning label says:

CAUTION: HAIR IS FLAMMABLE. (A bit obvious, but okay. Maybe there are some dumb dumbs out there who don't already know this, so I'll read on.) FLAMMABILITY IS INCREASED WHEN TREATED WITH PRODUCTS OF THIS TYPE. (Okay. Now that is brand new information. I had never really thought of this as an issue before...) KEEP HAIR AWAY FROM OPEN FLAME (again, duh), LIT TOBACCO PRODUCTS (...Huh. Okay, this is slightly more concerning...) FIRE, OR SPARKS (...aaaand back to the blatantly obvious).

Call me jaded, but this is the first time in a long time a warning label actually gave me concern. I mean, of course the ads we all see on TV that say things like "may cause heart attack, uncontrollable bleeding, diarrhea, stroke, loss of vision, or DEATH" give me concern, but that just means I'll use a different headache medicine. Obviously. My favorite ones are for antidepressants that warn of depression or mood swings as side effects. Really...? That seems like maybe it's time for a risk versus reward assessment. But I digress.

Back to my hair product/lighter fluid. Now I guess this would be the time to tell you that I actually have set my hair on fire before. On accident, of course. Not that that makes it any better. I was about 7 or 8 years old at the time, and standing in the kitchen with my friend and her mom. Her mom was cooking something on the stove top and we were all chatting. I was standing with my back to the stove when suddenly we all noticed a strange smell. As we were all looking around to figure out what it was, I heard a gasp. Her mom rushed me over to the sink and turned the water on and stuck my hair under. Yes, I was at the exact right height that the ends of my hair touched the gas flame and caught on fire. Luckily all that happened was my split ends got singed off and we all had a (nervous) laugh about it later. But the point is, I actually have set my hair on fire. And it's sort of one of those things that you only need to do once. If ever.

Now, I'm not a smoker, but I am around them from time to time, so I'd appreciate it if maybe they gave a safe radius in which to be of smokers on the label as well. I mean are they going to light up nearby and then my hair just bursts into flames like a Pinto? You need to give me more details when doling out such warnings! And perish the thought of an actual smoker using these products. What if you're a smoker with a chin-length bob? Your hair would be in constant danger of a literal brush with death. Or what about, say, walking through a Vegas casino?? I am gripped by a vision of myself stepping foot in the Bellagio and my hair instantly catching fire. Not knowing what to do, I run outside and jump in the fountain just as the opening strains of "Time to Say Goodbye" play ominously...

Anyway. Until they give me more details, I think I'll stop using this hair product for now. Just to be safe.

Hungry? Why Wait?

I was just considering what I would do the next time I visit California. And all I could think about is how I would eat my way through the entire state at all the places I cannot enjoy out here...

First of all, there's Chipotle and Rubio's: it is next to impossible to get really good Mexican food out here, and these are just the chains I like! I'm sure these places have locations in the great state of North Carolina, but sadly I live in such a small town that the nearest Starbucks is approximately 25 miles away. We have fantastic local restaurants, but sometimes I miss these chains that are on every friggin' corner in Cali. And on the subject of Mexican food, let's not even talk about Miguel's in San Diego. On second thought, let's. Add that in there too. And obvs there is In-N-Out: 'Nuff said. And let's also hit up Yard House and Dave & Buster's for happy hours, BJ's for pizza and beer, Ra Sushi for, well, sushi, duh.

Only in LA: MARIX! It's been too long. More ridiculously good Mexican food. In fact, Marix is my all-time favorite. Lola's ( for mac and cheese and martinis...and freshly baked cookies!), Cheebo, Toast, Doughboy's, and let's not leave out East West for bellinis and karaoke! And of course I'm now dying to try Villa Blanca after watching this season of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, dahling.

In San Diego: Megan's Cafe for breakfast, Gus's for pizza, Miguel's, and definitely Searsucker...yummmmm.

In Sactown: Mikuni, Fat's, Pluto's, Beach Hut Deli, La Bou...am I forgetting anything? I can't think straight anymore because now I'm fixin'* to eat my face off. And as I said, if you are ever in this here neck of the backwoods, we have some mighty fine local restaurants that are worth a visit, and that I'm sure will be added to the list of restaurants I miss when we are gone. On that note, I will be in my kitchen now, rustlin' up something to grub down on.


*I just figured now that I am local here I should darn tootin' start talkin' like one!

BritGlee™

I have to admit, I have not been on here in quite awhile. Truthfully, I have just not found anything I have felt compelled to write about. But today is a new day. Yes, today is BritGlee™ day. Incidentally, I coined the phrase BritGlee™ today, and I have taken the liberty of trademarking it, much like Paris Hilton did with That's Hot™. But I digress.



For those not obsessed with Britney Spears (as I am) or Glee (as I am) or both (as I am), tonight was the much-anticipated (by me) episode dedicated to Britney, bitch. I must admit, it was almost everything a BritGleek™ like me could hope for. I have to say almost, because I obviously would have preferred a little more screen time from my homegirl, Britney.



However, there were many factors that managed to make the scarcity of the Britster up for me tenfold.First of all, this episode was like a tribute to my childhood and teen years. While I was deeply affronted by the Glee Clubers pointing out the fact that they "grew up on" Britney (hello, Britney and I are the same age, way to out me as an old fart, Fox!!), I was DELIGHTED by the inclusion of the following:

•Uncle Jesse (aka John Stamos) as Emma's new boyfriend. The only thing that will make this casting choice better is if he gets to perform his hit single Forever in an upcoming episode. Maybe with Emma superimposed over Aunt Becky? And if that episode would include another return of Kristin Chenoweth I think my head may explode.

•The phrase "Leave Britney alone" being uttered within about the first 2 minutes of the episode. Glorious. Too bad Chris Crocker himself wasn't in it! Maybe he was, like, a backup dancer, and I just didn't notice...I foresee that I may have to purchase this episode on iTunes in order to watch it as frequently as I would like in order to get to the bottom of such pressing matters...and obviously to also learn all the choreography...

•Speaking of awesome YouTube references, how about the uttering of the phrase "is this real life" after Rachel goes under at the dentist??! Holy crap, my head very nearly did explode after that. For those who aren't part of the 60 million people who watched it on YouTube, this was a reference to David After the Dentist . The inclusion of that random, and yet totally relevant, phrase was pure genius. I tip my hat to you, Glee writers.

•Ignoring the fact that the characters' childhoods were spent listening to Britney Spears (and mine Wilson Phillips), the references to MY childhood icons brought me pure joy and delight!! Not only did they discuss Blossom (who helped me discover the importance of amazing headwear) but Emma, the very same Emma who is dating Uncle Jesse, actually told Mr. Schue that he looked like a cast member of Kids Incorporated!!! *THUD* Oh, I'm sorry about that. I just died of happiness!!!!

Okay, I am miraculously revived. Whew. Close one. And so, the moral of the story is, every week should be "Britney Week" on Glee.



Or at the very least, "Obscure References to Pop Culture From the Early 90's Until Today Week." It's a mouthful, but it will catch on like fire with viewers like me. Think about it, Fox, just think about it.

Final Thoughts

I sat down to watch Chelsea Lately tonight, and I was treated to a little case of You're-Getting-Old-itis. What that means is I have contracted a disease over the past couple of years that has made it glaringly obvious that I am no longer the young whippersnapper I once was...or whatever the female version of that is. And occasionally, I get flare-ups of said disease that make me want to locate Doc Brown and his Delorean IMMEDIATELY. Case in point: Jerry Springer is the guest on Chelsea Lately tonight, and he has just pointed out that his show has been on the air for TWENTY YEARS. May I just take a moment to point out that I still remember his show when it was merely a talk show of the Sally Jesse Raphael, or Phil Donohue variety, (two shows that some of you may be too young to even remember, as they have been off the air for so long now) and not the depraved reminder of all things wrong with America today that it has since become. So basically, what I am trying to say is I remember this show at it's inception. And it has been on for TWENTY YEARS. The only thing getting me through this revelation is Jerry's comment that his own show "has no redeeming social value whatsoever." And that little tidbit gives me a sliver of hope that maybe our society will turn out okay after all, and that I don't need to polish my bow and arrows and befriend Katniss Everdeen just yet...

The Internal Struggle

Even though I mostly enjoy working out (or at least I enjoy fitting into my favorite jeans), I am constantly finding myself battling a never-ending Internal Struggle with whether or not I should go to the gym. It begins the moment I wake up, and only ends when either I go to the freakin' gym, or curse my lazy ass to sleep, hating myself for not forcing myself to go.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you The Internal Struggle:

7:00 am, alarm goes off: *Rolls over* mmgjhajkas...stupid alarm...dgjnzf...Son of a B...*hits snooze button*

7:07, alarm goes off again: Hmm...okay, I can sleep for 15 more minutes, then I have to get up

7:22: Alright, if I am going to get in a morning workout, I have to leave in an hour. Plenty of time.

7:30, alarm #2 goes off: Okay, I'm up, I'm up...zzzzzzzz

8:55 am: @$%#. It's okay, it's okay. I'll go after the lunch crowd is gone. I just have to get there before 3.

11 am: Or, you know, I could just go for a run later, when it cools off or something.

12:30: Better put my gym clothes on. If I'm already dressed, that's half the battle. Plus, how lazy would I have to be to get dressed and not go to the gym? Only a crazy person would do that.

1pm: I wonder how late the gym is open...

1:15: Pfft, it's open until 9! I can totally go later.

2:30: Alright, I have to go soon if I'm going to miss the after-work crowd.

3: I'll just go after dinner. It might be kind of nice then. But I really have to go, I mean there is no excuse.

4: Or I could still just have a run, then I don't have to drive the 40 minute round-trip drive...ugh

5:30: Or really, I could just eat really light today. I already kind of have. Isn't diet just as important as exercise? I mean, it's good to take a day off from the gym right? Let your body rest? Although, I didn't go 2 days ago either...But it's not like you have to work out every day to stay in shape right?

6:30: Well, let's be real, I am obviously not going to the gym today. I'd better decide if I'm going for a run or not so I can change out of these gym clothes.

6:45: *Steps outside* Well screw that. It's practically a steam room out there.

6:46: *Peels off sports bra* Aaah. That spells relief.

11:00 pm, in bed: I hate myself. What a lazy bitch. Who does that? Who. Does. That? *Sets alarm* I'm definitely working out tomorrow.

Ninja Kitty Assassins

So. I totally got mauled by one of our cats, Mr. Belding, today. I was just trying to move him off my lap so I could get up, and the moment I touched him, he twisted around like a kitty ninja and pierced my arm with his Chinese death stars--oh, I mean claws. I now feel that I know how Siegfried felt. Or is it Roy? Whichever. I felt betrayed and also it hurt like a bitch. I can't imagine anything hurting more, although I'm sure Siegfried would beg to differ. Or Roy. I immediately started crying and yelled "you bastard!" and ran to the bedroom, shutting the door so he couldn't follow me. It was all very dramatic. Like a Lifetime Movie, only I didn't collapse on the floor behind the door and weep silently. But don't think that didn't occur to me. Then of course within 5 minutes I hear scratching at the door, and obviously I was hoping it would be Tito trying to comfort me and tell me what a jerk his brother is, but alas, it was Mr. Belding, looking up at me all sweet and wide-eyed. He immediately started cuddling me so I think it's safe to say he really learned his lesson. Well. Probably not, but it's just so hard to stay mad at that little bugger, so the heart believes what it wants.

I'd Like To Buy A Vowel

Throughout my childhood, I had a variety of career aspirations. For example, at the age of four, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would proudly proclaim "Vanna White!" Yes, I felt that my talents would be best spent walking back and forth across a soundstage, turning letters (and later, as technology advanced, touching a screen to reveal letters). Plus she wore, like, really pretty sparkly dresses! What an awesome job! Later, I got a little older and decided that I wanted to be a member of The Mickey Mouse Club. Or Kids Incorporated, really I wasn't picky. Then I expanded beyond the show business industry and thought I might like to be a teacher. Then in sixth grade, my yearbook entry stated that I wanted to be a pediatrician. Really? I don't know where that one came from. I must not have realized how much schooling went into that, not to mention science classes, which I hate, and blood and needles, which I fear. But never mind. By seventh grade I knew what I really, truly wanted to be: a Janet Jackson back up dancer. I had the moves from the "If" video down pat, and I was pretty much obsessed with dance, taking at least 5 classes a week. Yes this was my calling.

In junior high, Brooke and I were so into our dance "careers" we refused to do anything that might jeopardize that.

Running the mile in PE: No thanks, we will walk. We don't want to develop bulky muscles that might not look aesthetically pleasing as a dancer, and ruin our futures in dance.

Invited to go on a snowboarding trip: Sorry, no can do. We might injure ourselves and not be able to perform at the Red Lion Inn in Sacramento next week.

The good news is, our ridiculous obsession also kept us out also kept us out of trouble. We wouldn't dare do anything to get ourselves in trouble and possibly risk our futures as Broadway dancers or Rockettes. Actually, I am too short to be a Rockette, which completely devastated me when I found out, but I digress.

Now that I am still looking for work and not having much luck, I think I may have had it right at the age of four. I mean Vanna White's job is pretty much awesome, and one of the few jobs for which I feel totally confident that I am qualified. Look out Vanna, someone's gunning for you to trip on your heels and leave a vacancy...

Carrie Bradshaw, I Knew You Were A Smart Cookie

After all these years...six fabulous seasons and two somewhat entertaining movies... I finally know what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about. Okay, I don't want to brag, or toot my own horn, but there is a blonde in the room who just received her very first pair of Manolo Blahniks and she is really freaking excited about it!

I have to say after wearing them I really do understand why they are so expensive. They feel more comfortable, look more luxurious, and have the ability to make the wearer walk on water! I know that last part sounds a little far-fetched, but trust me, it's true. I won more money while wearing them in Vegas, and appeared at least 3 years younger. We are talking miracle shoes here!!! I walked taller (partly because my height was increased by at least 4 inches) and felt more fabulous. These puppies are worth every discounted penny! Ladies, there is a sale at the store in the Wynn. Run, don't walk. And when you leave the store...strut!

Not Without Ketchup

Okay, I swore to myself that I wasn't just going to write about SYTYCD all the time because really. Not that many people watch it religiously like me, so I could be alienating some of my fan base! And then I realized... Fan base??! What fan base? Oh you mean my mom and husband? Yeah they have to listen to me anyway, so I can write about whatever I want! Yay me!

Anyhoodle, I am sitting here watching last night's episode and after getting through the first fifteen minutes of the two hour show, I just couldn't hold it in anymore! First of all, Cat Deeley clearly wants to be the next Paula because HOLY CRAP was she drunk or something?

In the opening of the show alone she said, for no apparent reason "Don't ruffle my feathers, Billy!" when strutting past him, and then kept repeating "Weren't they great this week?" Perhaps they were when you watched them in rehearsals, Cat, but the rest of us haven't watched them dance yet. After the first performance, which ends with Christina sort of straddled on top of Pasha, Cat says gleefully, "Woman on top! You're a girl after my own heart!" Um...okay...TMI maybe?

THEN it gets crazier. So they are doing these "packages" (as they call them on these shows) of clips of the dancers as kids. While Adechike is talking about how he has no photos of himself dancing as a child because his family lost everything in a fire, they proceed to show family photos of him engulfed in digital flames! I'm sorry...did that really just happen? That was both tasteless and uncomfortable. Congratulations, Fox! You just ousted Danielle Staub's "striptease performance" on the Real Housewives of New Jersey as The Thing Burned On My Retinas That I Never Wanted To See In The First Place. On to his performance with Allison... Oh I'm sorry, he was in that dance? I couldn't stop watching Allison; she was amazing. And herein lies the problem with the "All Stars" being on the show: the newbies risk being outperformed by the "All Stars" when paired up with the likes of Allison and Kathryn. And yes I am still putting "All Stars" in quotes much like I will write the Katy Perry song "California Girls" and not the deliberate (and ridiculous) misspelling she uses. I refuse to even acknowledge it. But that is neither her nor there.

Can I just take a minute here to sing the praises of Alex? I think he's my favorite male dancer. Although Kent was so stinking cute last week, he won me over a little bit. But Alex, to me, is the best male dancer on the show. Was he perfectly in the Fosse style this week? No, but he is such a beautiful dancer I really don't care. Add the fact that he was paired with Lauren, which to me worked in his favor, as she..well...SUCKS. Okay, obviously she's a better dancer than me, but that's not really the point. She's NOT better than, say, any other girl that's been on the show before and would have been better suited to be called an "All Star."

Next up, Cat manages to slur the word "Ashley" which is actually harder to do than it sounds, considering it has that built in "SH" sound that so often occurs in slurred speech.

By the way, is Mia Michaels wearing brass knuckles??

At this point in the evening, I half expected Cat to make a drunken remark about how the whitest boy to ever dance on their stage was about to krump and, well... she did manage to do a little "gangsta" hand motion when describing the "mean streets of Palm Beach" where he grew up. So I wasn't entirely disappointed. And in swoops Billy, out to steal my heart with the description of his first dance routine to the Backstreet Boys, replete with pleather, flame-covered costume at which point he says "it was pretty epic, I'm not going to lie." Oh Billy, that warmed my cold, black heart! And then Billy skips into rehearsal and says to Li'l C in true Billy fashion "Hiiiii Lit-tle C!" which is just so darn cute, especially when you anticipate that he is about to learn how to krump. Correction, Billy, THIS is going to be epic. I just hope they have plenty of pleather ready for him. And, well, Billy lucked out because that routine was about as much krump as Ashley's routine was jazz. Which is to say, not.

And then we have our resident tap dancer, Hipster McNoPersonality, who dances a contemporary routine in which I found her to be horrendous and the judges adored. Hmmm...WHATEVS

All-Star Kathryn (who doesn't get air quotes because she is EPIC) dancing Bollywood gave me chills. She was perfection wrapped up in a glittery, harem-wrapped, face-painted bow. I think she was paired up with one of the newbies but I failed to notice him.

I am excited to watch Lauren, my favorite contestant. However, the fact that I am 10 years older than her is not completely lost on me. This means that when she started dancing, I started high school. I have now officially become one of Those People who hates getting older. I'll try to let that go, because unless I locate Nicolas Flamel's Sorcerer's Stone and use it to make some Elixer of Life, I'm pretty much SOL on that front. Anyway, LAUREN. WAS. AMAZING! Love love love her! That hip hop routine was all kinds of awesome, and she NAILED IT! That just made my night. I may have to watch it again.

Not do be outdone, however, Cat manages to turn into a creepy sex predator. Lauren, young, sweet innocent and fresh out of high school, mentions how she tried to go to a deeper place (emotionally) with this performance, and Cat turns to her partner, Dominic, and says "Dominic do you want to get to a...deeper...place?" I am now convinced that Cat has been spending her free time with David Hasselhoff, and we will soon see her sprawled on the floor talking about cheeseburgers. I give it four more episodes.

Last up is Kent, who inadvertently calls his partner, Courtney, a whore, when he says she allows him to touch her as much as he wants, which is something new and different for him. I guess she didn't have the heart to tell him she was allowing him to touch her in the manner in which the routine was choreographed.

And the quote of the night comes from (who else?) Cat Deeley:

Nigel (to Courtney) "Would you eat [Kent] alive?"
Cat: "Not without ketchup!"

And OH MY GOD Cat actually says she's getting a hamburger after the show! Did I call that or what??! Better make that two more episodes.