Ninja Kitty Assassins

So. I totally got mauled by one of our cats, Mr. Belding, today. I was just trying to move him off my lap so I could get up, and the moment I touched him, he twisted around like a kitty ninja and pierced my arm with his Chinese death stars--oh, I mean claws. I now feel that I know how Siegfried felt. Or is it Roy? Whichever. I felt betrayed and also it hurt like a bitch. I can't imagine anything hurting more, although I'm sure Siegfried would beg to differ. Or Roy. I immediately started crying and yelled "you bastard!" and ran to the bedroom, shutting the door so he couldn't follow me. It was all very dramatic. Like a Lifetime Movie, only I didn't collapse on the floor behind the door and weep silently. But don't think that didn't occur to me. Then of course within 5 minutes I hear scratching at the door, and obviously I was hoping it would be Tito trying to comfort me and tell me what a jerk his brother is, but alas, it was Mr. Belding, looking up at me all sweet and wide-eyed. He immediately started cuddling me so I think it's safe to say he really learned his lesson. Well. Probably not, but it's just so hard to stay mad at that little bugger, so the heart believes what it wants.

I'd Like To Buy A Vowel

Throughout my childhood, I had a variety of career aspirations. For example, at the age of four, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would proudly proclaim "Vanna White!" Yes, I felt that my talents would be best spent walking back and forth across a soundstage, turning letters (and later, as technology advanced, touching a screen to reveal letters). Plus she wore, like, really pretty sparkly dresses! What an awesome job! Later, I got a little older and decided that I wanted to be a member of The Mickey Mouse Club. Or Kids Incorporated, really I wasn't picky. Then I expanded beyond the show business industry and thought I might like to be a teacher. Then in sixth grade, my yearbook entry stated that I wanted to be a pediatrician. Really? I don't know where that one came from. I must not have realized how much schooling went into that, not to mention science classes, which I hate, and blood and needles, which I fear. But never mind. By seventh grade I knew what I really, truly wanted to be: a Janet Jackson back up dancer. I had the moves from the "If" video down pat, and I was pretty much obsessed with dance, taking at least 5 classes a week. Yes this was my calling.

In junior high, Brooke and I were so into our dance "careers" we refused to do anything that might jeopardize that.

Running the mile in PE: No thanks, we will walk. We don't want to develop bulky muscles that might not look aesthetically pleasing as a dancer, and ruin our futures in dance.

Invited to go on a snowboarding trip: Sorry, no can do. We might injure ourselves and not be able to perform at the Red Lion Inn in Sacramento next week.

The good news is, our ridiculous obsession also kept us out also kept us out of trouble. We wouldn't dare do anything to get ourselves in trouble and possibly risk our futures as Broadway dancers or Rockettes. Actually, I am too short to be a Rockette, which completely devastated me when I found out, but I digress.

Now that I am still looking for work and not having much luck, I think I may have had it right at the age of four. I mean Vanna White's job is pretty much awesome, and one of the few jobs for which I feel totally confident that I am qualified. Look out Vanna, someone's gunning for you to trip on your heels and leave a vacancy...

Carrie Bradshaw, I Knew You Were A Smart Cookie

After all these years...six fabulous seasons and two somewhat entertaining movies... I finally know what Carrie Bradshaw was talking about. Okay, I don't want to brag, or toot my own horn, but there is a blonde in the room who just received her very first pair of Manolo Blahniks and she is really freaking excited about it!

I have to say after wearing them I really do understand why they are so expensive. They feel more comfortable, look more luxurious, and have the ability to make the wearer walk on water! I know that last part sounds a little far-fetched, but trust me, it's true. I won more money while wearing them in Vegas, and appeared at least 3 years younger. We are talking miracle shoes here!!! I walked taller (partly because my height was increased by at least 4 inches) and felt more fabulous. These puppies are worth every discounted penny! Ladies, there is a sale at the store in the Wynn. Run, don't walk. And when you leave the store...strut!